YOU and I both know that Christmas is a time for spending so much on food and drink that after it’s over, we are forced by guilt and heavy advertising to spend an equal amount on gym memberships and dieting books.
However, rather sweetly, there are those who continue to think that this whole festive period has something to do with the baby Jesus.
They reckon someone was keeping a diary and making a precise note of the date when the shepherds were led by a light to the stable, where a virgin was explaining to her husband that she’d just given birth to the son of God.
And that today we all buy our children Nerf guns to celebrate the fact.
I don’t mind that at all. It’s rather sweet in fact.
I do mind, however, that this week the BBC announced that in addition to celebrating Christmas and Easter, and having daily bulletins about God on the radio, it will now be celebrating various other religious festivals as well.
In future it will cover Jewish, Muslim, Sikh and Hindu holy days, not just in two minutes after the news, but with mentions and moments on The One Show, the Radio 2 breakfast show and in various soaps.
I wonder if they’ve thought this through, because Hindus alone have many holy days — Diwali, Holi, Krishna Janmashtami, Maha Shivaratri, Ram Navami, Ganesha Chaturthi, Navaratri, Dussehra, Hanu- man Jayanti, Makar Sankranti, Yugadi, and so on — which means we will be waking up most days to the sounds of people who we don’t understand celebrating something we don’t care about.
And if Chris Evans is forced to make sure he’s even-handed across a wide range of religious beliefs, there will be no time left over for The Doobie Brothers
This will lead to resentment, with Jews claiming they only got four mentions on last night’s EastEnders while Sikhs had six. And the Sunni claiming the Shia are getting more coverage on Cash In The Attic.
Then you’ll have the Scientologists refusing to accept that Star Trek is good enough to keep them quiet.
And if Chris Evans is forced to make sure he’s even-handed across a wide range of religious beliefs, there will be no time left over for The Doobie Brothers.
In this country, we already recognise that it’s everyone’s right to worship whatever takes their fancy, no matter how bonkers it might seem to everyone else.
We also recognise that it’s everyone’s right to not believe in any of it.
I fall into this camp. So I’m making an appeal to the head of religious output at the BBC — who’s also an atheist — to set aside one day of the year when no mention of any religion is made at all.
AFTER Davina McCall posted this picture of herself in a bikini this week, half the country has been consumed by a fear that the 50-year-old is spending too much time in the gym.
Frankly, I don’t care what she does with her free time. If she wants to spend it picking things up and putting them down again, or jumping up and down, that’s her lookout.
I was much more intrigued by the tattoos poking from her bikini bottoms.
They appear to be the tip of a goat’s horns, which begs a bigger question than the one about gym time.
What on earth happens where they meet? Is there a whole goat’s head there and, if so, why?
MERYL STREEP is being targeted by a vicious poster campaign in Los Angeles for not speaking up about Harvey Weinstein.
She says she had no idea he was such a monster, which seems like a pretty good defence to me.
But it’s cutting no ice with the uber-feminists, who’ve decided she’s a monster, too.
I have no love for Miss Streep. I’ve enjoyed almost none of the films in which she’s appeared and would rather eat a dog egg than watch Mamma Mia again.
But the fact is that if Weinstein didn’t ask her to watch him pleasure himself or take a shower, then it simply meant he didn’t fancy her.
And now she’s being publicly ruined just because of that.
Which makes her one of his victims as well.
FROM GYM TO RING ROAD, NO WAY
Now let’s be very clear on this. Japanese boffins are not like other boffins.
They are much, much cleverer. They are in the Premier League of boffins.
And they’ve gone to the limit of what’s possible and built a robot that can do a chin-up.
So how in the name of all that’s holy do the world’s politicians believe that various car firms are on the brink of building a self-driving car that can negotiate a city centre ring road, in the fog, at rush hour?
It ain’t going to happen in our lifetime, that’s for sure.
A TORY MP called Richard Benyon, above, pleaded guilty this week to texting while at the wheel of a stationary car and was given six penalty points.
Which means, because he already had six, that he’s lost his licence.
This seems harsh. Texting when you’re on a motorway or a country lane is silly and you should be done. But sending a quick message while you’re stuck in a jam? There’s no way that could cause an accident.
I fear the officer who issued the ticket may have been a bit zealous.
It seems to be a problem the Tories are having with the police these days.
MAY I just take this opportunity to wish you a Happy Christmas.
I hope that your presents are lovely, that the rows are small and that you drift off to sleep at night in a haze of deep contentment.
APPLE has admitted that its phones are deliberately programmed to slow down as they age but apparently this has nothing to do with making customers buy a new one.
Apple says the phones are made to operate less quickly to preserve the batteries, which wear out with time.
That can’t be good news for people who’ve bought an electric car.
Yes, it does 155mph now. But in a couple of years it’ll be quicker to hop to work.
THREE rail companies have told passengers that they are not allowed to use their own re-usable cups while on the train.
Naturally, health and safety is used as the excuse, with rail bosses saying that catering staff on the train should not be expected to pour scalding hot tea into a passenger’s own cup while travelling at 90mph.
Somehow though, it is perfectly safe to pour it into a cup provided by the rail company.
As a result of this nonsense, we must accept that somewhere soon, a baby turtle is going to get its head stuck in a disposable cup and die in agony as a result.
MANY people were running around screaming this week when it emerged not a single British warship is currently abroad.
Well I’m sorry, but isn’t that a good thing?
If all our ships are currently tied to the wall in Portsmouth, it means there’s no trouble that needs our immediate attention.
And we are saving a fortune.
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