IT was announced yesterday that a firm in Northern Ireland is about to start producing a new type of bacon that won’t give you cancer.
This was hailed as a huge breakthrough because bacon is not only a hangover remedy but also, the smell of it cooking is reckoned to be the only known cure for vegetarianism.
Apparently, the new meat is cured with fruit rather than chemicals, which means that something called nitrosamines are eliminated.
That’s lovely and well done to all concerned. But nitrosamines are found elsewhere in life. In balloons, rubber gloves, and — sorry to say this — condoms.
So all the good you do by eating safe bacon could be undone if you engage in a spot of safe sex.
And it gets worse, I’m afraid, because other things known to cause cancer include tinned tomatoes, sausages, pizza, hot dogs, farmed salmon, popcorn, crisps, vegetable oils, pickles, flour, artificial sweeteners, Diet Coke, beer, wine, gin, whisky, beef, lamb, tea and kebabs.
And that’s before we get to the stuff we don’t eat. Mobile phones, motorways, windmills, air fresheners, make-up, granite, the sun, toothpaste and weedkillers.
As I may have mentioned about 4,000 times, I gave up smoking back in the summer, which doctors say will increase my chances of not dying next year by about a quarter of one per cent.
But the fact is that like everyone who quits, I’ve put on a fair bit of weight. Which increases my chances of dying next year by about a quarter of one per cent.
I could, of course, grow a spine and give up everything known by science to be carcinogenic.
Which would mean eating nothing but soil and wandering around with smelly armpits and dirty teeth.
That would probably do the trick but then, having kept cancer at bay, I’d get dementia and die from that instead.
So, as we sit down to work out a set of New Year’s resolutions which will keep us all healthy until, ooh, at least January 6, may I make one suggestion . . .
Eat what you like, sit in the sun when it gets back, have a drink and accept that you’re going to die one day and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.
Except try to be happy in the meantime.
ON average around 15 per cent of people who need the services of A&E have had one too many and fallen over.
Or got into a fight. Or decided it would be a good idea to experiment with the Hoover pipe.
And now it’s been revealed that in Newcastle – home to Geordie Shore – and I should imagine other cities too – that figure shoots up by 70 per cent in the early hours of a Sunday morning.
Dealing with all these drunk people, who may be aggressive as well, costs a fortune, which is why the NHS is now considering a plan which would see “drunk tanks” installed in city centres – places where the inebriated could sleep it off for a few hours before being released back into the wild. Anyone see a problem with that? Because I can’t.
FILES released under the 30-year secrecy rule suggest that Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams tipped off the SAS about a raid which left eight IRA men dead.
Naturally enough, Sinn Fein describes the claim as “utter nonsense”.
But is it?
It’s thought there was no love lost between Adams and the eight men who were killed.
There’s even a suggestion they were planning to execute him.
’Twas ever thus in the world of terrorism.
People’s Front Of Judea. Popular Front Of Judea. IRA.
Same thing, really.
THE trade in ivory remains one of the world’s most revolting problems.
And that’s why it is important to salute anyone who is trying to help.
So well done to a Brit called Mark Moseley, who recognised that ivory doesn’t show fingerprints very well and developed a kit that can solve the problem.
These kits have now been donated to those engaged in the fight with the poachers and already this year, 15 people have been arrested as a result.
That’s great, but now the word is out it’s pretty obvious that the poachers will respond by simply wearing gloves when they handle the tusks.
I fear that in the long term there are only two solutions to the problem. Tackle the issues that cause people to become poachers.
Or tackle the people who are buying the ivory.
The first is tricky because if you are poor, and someone says that if you shoot an elephant and remove its tusks they can then be sold to a halfwit in Vietnam who thinks they will make his penis bigger, it’s easy to see why you might pick up a rifle and set off into the bush.
The only way to stop that is to make Africa richer, and I don’t see that happening any time soon.
So we have to go after the end users, the idiots in China and South East Asia who are doing the buying.
And I still maintain that the best way of doing that is to flood the market. An easy job, because the make-up of the elephant’s tusk is not that far removed from the make-up of the human tooth.
So when people die, why not simply collect their teeth, grind them into a powder and sell it all over Asia for a few pence?
The idiots can continue to indulge their fantasy that it makes them better lovers, and because lots of people die every day, there’s no need for people to kill elephants any more.
THE producer of the James Bond films says that when Daniel Craig steps down from the role, he could very well be replaced by a woman.
Obviously, I accept that a woman could do all the fighting and biting and seducing but she would have to be called James, which might be a bit confusing to some of the audience.
It’s probably best, all things considered, to keep 007 as a man. Especially as we now have Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde.
In a fight against Bond, Bourne and Bauer, I reckon she’d come out on top.
And still have time later for a bit of light lesbianism.
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