90 Day Fiance Red Wine Recap: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way, Season 2, Episode 13, Sticks and Stones, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …

Hello, my 90 Day Lovers and welcome to your Red Wine Recap of 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way!

This week, we celebrate Taeyang’s 100 days of life and how appropriate because, yes, it’s your faithful little recapper’s birthday today as well!

Unlike Taeyang, though, I’m a teense older than 100 days. Also, I didn’t get a cool little black cap. I did, however, get a couple bottles of red, so, sorry, Taeyang! Them’s the breaks.

Let’s just go ahead and bust out our best hanboks and recap, shall we?

Deavan & Jihoon – Baby Taeyang’s 100 Days!

Now is it just me or does it feel like as soon as any progress is made towards happiness on this show, someone is there, ready to suck it all away from us?! But, at least in Korea, no translator from hell or mother-in-law named Elicia will steal Taeyang’s thunder tonight!

It’s his 100-days-of-life party, dangit, and everyone WILL be happy! Now, if you’re like me, don’t worry. You didn’t rob your child of a happy childhood because you forgot to celebrate his or her 3-month and ten days birthday.

  • 90 Day Fiance drama: Tim Malcolm’s ex Veronica tries to check Jeniffer Tarazona

As Jihoon explained, it is a very common tradition to celebrate a Korean baby’s 100th day of life because a lot of Korean babies don’t live past 100 days.

And to help celebrate, Deavan is going to help Jihoon’s mom cook japcache! What could POSSIBLY go wrong?!

Cutting vegetables too thin, that’s what. Oh, and we have our trusty translator (who I’ve named Bob) to see us through it all. As Deavan and Jihoon’s mom discuss whether size matters (get your head out of the gutter you guys, I’m talking carrots here!), Bob guides the conversation:

Deavan: What do you want from a Korean daughter-in-law? Bob: Just stand there and say hello. Now, normally, Bob’s cheekiness would shut any sort of happiness down. But who can be mad when little Taeyang’s swanky birthday party is at hand?!

No one. That’s who. We had boujie decorations … we had Jihoon doing the YMCA in his traditional Korean attire. And we had Deavan smiling and “looking beautiful” according to great-grandma! I mean, could it get any better?

Deavan is getting showered with money envelopes! Little Drascilla is roaming around in her pink dress! And even Jihoon’s mother points out, “Deavan doesn’t smile a lot, so it was nice to see her smiling today.”

Elicia, not a word out of you no matter how traumatized you are from last week’s events. Okay?

Okay, great. By the way, how would you like the title of “Big big aunt?” Ah what does it matter? Everyone at this party is happy … Deavan feels accepted … and this crew is surprisingly the ONLY ones taking two steps forward tonight. (Thank you, Taeyang. Cheers to you, little squirt.)

Tim & Melyza – Describe yourself in three words

What is going on tonight, you guys?! Deavan and Jihoon the picture-perfect photo of family happiness tonight? Tim making the second slot of my recap?!

Okay, so Cheesestick didn’t make a TON of progress tonight, but, hey, at least he isn’t still talking about his cheating, right?! Now unless Mey-LEE-Zah has a distant third cousin waiting in the wings that Tim needs to rehash this storyline to, I think we are in the clear. Hooray! We can actually focus on getting to know the man behind the nickname and khaki pants.

But I don’t even think Cheesestick knows who he is. You see, Tim woke up, ready to take on the world, but KOH-lumbia had other plans for him. Not only did his taxi turn out to be a motorcycle, which he kindly refused, but he floundered at the job agency as well: “Describe yourself in three words.”

TAKE IT AWAY, TIM!

And the third adjective? Now, I know you’re dumbfounded because you couldn’t say “I’m a cheater,” but, come on, Tim! “Finances” and “Teamwork”?!

Not quite “killin’ it,” are ya there, bud?

Ari & Biniyam – So long to Janice, the “Positive Gangster”

Tonight we had to say goodbye to the Positive Gangster, aka, Ari’s mom, aka, our wise, level-headed Janice. And now I can’t get that hotstepper song out of my head: “here come the hotstepper … I’m the lyrical positive gangster … Still love you like that.”

And we do love you like that, Janice. In fact, you haven’t even made it up the airport ramp yet, and Ari is getting hit with a ton of emotional bricks.

Ari suddenly feels the realness of being in Ethiopia … alone. And I can’t blame her. I mean, Janice is AMAZING, and, if Bibi is wise, he should be penning a song incorporating her nickname to the hotstepper soundtrack, tout suite!

But, Ari … don’t forget … you still have two babies with you in Ethiopia: baby in your belly and Bibi Baby. You know, the guy you supposedly fell in love with the minute you saw him tossing his dreadlocks over his shoulder at the airport? The one who is the next up-and-coming Ethiopian dancing and singing SENSATION?! Also, your soon-to-be BABY DADDY?!?

“I’m not looking forward to being alone with you,” Ari tells Bibi. And, yes, my friends, that was a direct quote.

How does that sit with you, Bibi? Now I don’t know if Biniyam lacks emotion or if he’s just one at peace with the world, but he doesn’t cry. He doesn’t seem phased. He just smiles and says, “Please don’t leave me. I’ll make you happy.”

But I’m not too optimistic this plea is going to work on the emotional Ari. She apparently doesn’t feel like Bibi even knows her and she can’t use just three words to describe her feelings (like apparently Bibi only knows). But, Ari, consider yourself lucky. He knows at least one more adjective than Tim!

Kenny & Armando – Local Taco PDA Backlash

Now I knew we needed Rita and Charles from last week to stick around a little longer because we are about to head to the local taco restaurant, and it’s not going to be all happy vibes like our engagement dinner was!

Not only are we dealing with bathrooms where you have to work for your flush, but we are dealing with people willing to tear down our beloved Kenny and Armando in an instant!

And there is no way I can be upbeat and snarky here guys … it just sucked. Here we have Taylor, Cassidy, Armando and Kenny just trying to enjoy their local tacos and Kenny and Armando just having their first PDA moment in Mexico when one jerk-face decides to sling a homophobic slur their way, ruining any good Taco Tuesday vibes we just had.

Taylor, or is it Cassidy, is ready to throw down and I’m right there with her.

But we all need to listen to Daddy Kenny, who tells us, don’t let it get to you. Otherwise, you give the person what they want – power. And, because he’s right, that’s all I’ll say about that and focus on the fact that besides candy that tastes like blood clots, Kenny also doesn’t like guacamole, or having to work for his flush, and let that be that.

Brittany & Yazan: Smoking, Loving, and Instagram Drama

Well, I knew it wouldn’t last. Family unity that is. Not with this crew. As Brittany and Yazan smoke and do their best dragon impressions, they discuss what happened since last week, when we made major progress with Yazan’s family.

And what happened was one little family member of Yazan’s stirring up some Instagram drama. You see, apparently, this family member wanted to cause trouble for Brittany, so he went through her feed and shared this photo with the rest of Yazan’s family:

90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way airs Monday nights at 9/8c on TLC.

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