Once, you had to be good to do well. Fail now and you STILL win

IT’S very easy for people of my age to roll their eyes and despair at the woke generation with snowflake sensibilities and their complete inability to cope with anything even remotely tiresome.

But let’s just put ourselves in the shoes of the average 18-year-old.

You have hangovers that are gone in 20 ­minutes, knees that can cope with flights of stairs and eyebrows that aren’t bigger than most azalea bushes.

You have your whole future ahead of you and, naturally, you want to make the world a ­better place.

What’s wrong with that?

No one ever smacked your bottom as a child and, at school, you didn’t have to pay attention in history lessons because all that stuff about the British Empire was too upsetting.

And why would you have a world where people get upset?

For this reason, you adopt the technology that allows you to simply delete from your life anyone who doesn’t share your views.

Figures out this week show that more than half of people under 30 had “cancelled” someone for expressing a political view with which they ­disagreed.

And is that a bad thing, making a life for yourself where everyone agrees with everything you say?

No. It’d be brilliant.

In the new world they’re ­trying to create, there isn’t even any ambition.

Certainly, you don’t want to work to earn money to buy a car, because work is ­boring, money is white-man capitalism and cars are evil.

You’re happy on the couch, which is somehow sustainable and has wifi.

Then you invent a system where you can dodge the queue for the Ladies by claiming that you’re a man, and using the urinals instead.

And then you weaponise the concept of offence, so if your boss tells you to do something, like turn up, and you don’t want to, you can just say he “offended” you and sue him.

And you will win because in this brave new world, no one is allowed to judge anyone.

Not even judges.

There was a time when you had to be good at something to succeed but now if you’re playing, say, a game of tennis, and you’re losing, you can simply jack it in.

And you can still expect everyone to support you and pat you on the back and say how brave you were for capitulating.

This week, a young lady at Wimbledon said she retired because it all got a bit too much, and the next day all the old men who’d said that she’d retired “because it all got a bit too much” were hounded by the mob.

And rightly so. Bastards.

Another player didn’t turn up at all because she doesn’t enjoy doing the post-match press interviews.

She should get the George Cross for that.

We old people may tell these youngsters their attitude wouldn’t have got them very far in the trenches of the First World War.

But they will explain that they aren’t in the trenches and never will be because war is the invention of men and men aren’t in charge any more. Greta Thunberg is.

I can see why the idea of this life appeals.

And maybe we should stop whingeing and let them get on with it.

Because it won’t half be a laugh when they get to 40 and it’s Christmas Eve and their lavatory won’t flush so they have to mend it themselves.

Zoe minted, but where’s Sir David?

ONCE again, the salaries of most of the top BBC stars have been published, and once again it’s a list of all the usual suspects.

Gary Lineker. Zoe Ball. Fiona Bruce and so on.

What I don’t understand is why Sir David Attenborough never features on this list.

He must be by far and away the highest paid, but we never hear what he earns.

Could it be that we don’t want to sneer at this national treasure?

Or has the BBC found a way of paying him so his salary doesn’t show up in public documents?

Mad to ditch dogs

SEVENTEEN per cent of people who bought a dog during lockdown now say they want to get rid of it.

I simply cannot understand this.

Dogs are endlessly loyal, as intelligent as hell and by far the best companions, especially on a walk

They are brilliant in every way, so it beggars belief that you could have one in your house for a year then decide to sell it because you want to go to the pub

That being said, my new house will be finished soon and the first thing I’m getting – even before a dishwasher or a vacuum cleaner – is a dog.

So if you want to get rid of a labrador puppy with a broad head, and you think it would be happy on my farm, do get in touch.

Jobs for all

YET again, we’ve been told by whoever is Home Secretary this week that people who smuggle themselves across the Channel will be deported.

No. They. Won’t.

Because even if they are caught, which is highly unlikely, where exactly would we deport them to?

They’ve come from all over the place.

Syria. Somalia. Iraq. Libya. Burma.

And some from countries most of us couldn’t even find on a map.

South Sudan, for instance.

How do we get someone from there back home?

There are no flights.

We’d have to charter a private jet.

And wouldn’t it be cheaper, and better all round, if we gave them a job picking vegetables in East Anglia?

Logo is a no-go

SO, the BBC has paid a design company to change its logo and apparently, if you have sensitive measuring equipment, a laser and an hour to compare and contrast, you can tell the new one from the one it replaces.

Interestingly, I’ve done the exact same thing with the logo at the top of my page this week.

And now I shall be sending The Sun a bill for £10,000.

And The Sun won’t pay because it’s not funded by public money and consequently doesn’t like people taking the p**s.

Tip for arch enemy

MEALY-mouthed government officials say the arches under a hundred or more disused railway bridges need to be infilled with concrete.

How tragic and lacking in ambition is that?

Some of these bridges are works of art.

Some are engineering masterpieces.

Some are both.

One that’s under threat was designed by Isambard Kingdom Brunel, for God’s sake.

So if they are in danger of falling down, don’t just bung them up with unsightly concrete.

Do what you’d do if the lions in Trafalgar Square started to rot.

Mend them.

Let’s do this

AT the beginning of the Euros, I tipped Italy for a win.

And now I have never hoped more fervently to be proved wrong.

Come on, Mason and Raheem and Declan and Jordan and all the rest of you.

Let’s do this thing.

Taking the hiss

A MAN in Austria is recovering after being bitten in the “genital area” by a 5ft snake as he sat on the lavatory.

You can imagine such a thing happening in Australia.

But Austria?

Apparently, the albino reticulated python had escaped from a neighbour’s flat and made its way through the plumbing system to its encounter with the poor man’s altogether less impressive trouser snake.

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