If you had a sex therapist as a friend, you would probably have some pretty interesting questions for them.
But if you’re too shy to ask, or don’t happen to have a sexpert in your group of friends, here’s what they would want you to know.
Refinery29 spoke to six sex therapists and asked them the advice that they’ve given their own friends.
Turns out, professionals have tons of friends who ask them for advice over their bedroom habits.
Often, many people have the same problem — and it’s likely your issue is totally normal.
Learn to re-focus negative thoughts
Dr. Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist and author of “How To Be Single And Happy” said that her friends worried about what their new partner was thinking about them in the bedroom.
She told them that feeling vulnerable is normal, but they can practice “turning the mind.”
This means when they start thinking “am I pleasing them enough?,” or whether they’re as good as their previous partners, they should focus on something happening right at the moment — like where their hands are.
If you try and force negative thoughts out, they’ll often push back in your mind, but training your brain to focus on the present will help you enjoy sex more.
Give yourself regular orgasms
Laurie Watson, host of podcast FOREPLAY and author of “Wanting Sex Again,” was approached by a friend who was struggling to climax during sex with her husband.
In the early days of the relationship she had no problems reaching orgasm, but as they gradually become more comfortable with each other, she lost her desire for sex and in turn, her husband.
Watson gave her friend a vibrator and told her to stimulate her clitoris, so she incorporated it into their love-making, which fed her desire and helped her climax.
Spend 20 minutes warming up
Sex coach Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus has friends who complain of pain during sex, but the problem is more common than many think.
She would tell them that they definitely aren’t alone and while some conditions such as vaginismus or vulvodynia require that you see a doctor, the most common cause is lack of arousal.
If things move too quickly in the bedroom, then women may experience pain.
It can take up to 20 minutes for the vagina to become sufficiently lubricated, so it’s crucial that you and your partner warm up before penetration.
Get creative with touch and play
Kate Moyle is a psychosexual and relationship therapist for Pillow and had a friend who struggled to maintain an erection.
After the second time, his girlfriend assumed it was because he didn’t find her attractive and they got into a fight — which made him too nervous to initiate sex.
Moyle suggested the couple ban intercourse for a month and instead focus on playing elsewhere, as skin-to-skin contact releases the hormone oxytocin, which helps you feel connected.
These sensual experiences took the pressure off intercourse and after a few times, they were so turned on by not having sex, they ended up having it anyway.
Farting during sex is normal
Farting may be mortifying, but Dr. Debra Laino insists to her worried friends that it simply happens and there is no reason for her partner to be turned off.
It’s a natural bodily function and if her friend was too concerned about not passing wind every time she had sex, it would become awkward and pressured.
The best thing you can do is laugh at the situation — having a giggle may even bring you and your partner closer together.
Enjoying a spank doesn’t mean you’re a sex addict
Dr. Tanisha M. Ranger is a sex addiction therapist and owner of “Insight to Action LLC” and her pals often ask whether watching porn or enjoying BDSM makes them a sex addict.
But if you enjoy a spank (whether giving or receiving,) you don’t need to worry.
Sex addiction isn’t about what you do in the bedroom, you only need to be concerned if it starts impacting your life in a negative way.
If it’s affecting your relationships or work, or you find yourself masturbating to porn to avoid confronting emotions, then you may need to see a therapist.
But if your bedroom activity is enjoyed in a healthy way, then there’s no reason to throw away your handcuffs.
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