Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Season 8, episode 13

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Much like the worst thing you can do in the Bachelor franchise is be There for the Wrong Reasons, the worst thing you can do in any Housewives franchise is Dish It But Not Take It.

The thing about new girl Teddi — she’s not exactly dishing it. She’s attempting to hold accountable those who do dish, which is to say: The woman has no idea what she’s doing here. It’s like Teddi has moved to another country and has yet to realize that everyone is speaking a different language than she is; it looks and sounds a lot like English, but there are also dog barks mixed in, and sometimes just the random Law & Order bong-bong sound. (Spoiler alert: Dorit is the bong-bong sound.)

I once taught English in another country where dinner was provided to the teachers by the local staff. Every night, I went to dinner and enjoyed the meal, keeping the hand that wasn’t holding my utensils laid in my lap, as would be polite in America…until I found out that in my host country, it was rude to not have both hands visible on the table. I thought I was doing a good thing, but really I was being an awkward weirdo. Teddi is attempting to be an agent of honesty and accountability in a land where the two things are about as welcome as a French kiss from PK. Teddi’s behavior isn’t bad — it’s simply alien. And whereas Lisa Vanderpump has decided to put her in a cute li’l basket like E.T., Dorit and Erika are about to go full Ellen Ripley on her ass.

Of course, if anyone had informed me of my misguided table etiquette by seething, “Don’t you ever put that hand in your lap EVER again — don’t you f— with our meal like that, you don’t want that,” I would have cried on the spot, quit my job, flown back to America and never eaten dinner again. So I have empathy for Teddi’s confusion. But how do we solve a problem like an accountability coach on a Housewives show? I really do not know…she’ll probably have a nervous breakdown during the reunion and quit. But I kind of like Teddi’s alien ways in the mix, so let’s hope she has a good therapist and some clap-back depths we’ve yet to see.

Now, if you feel like I’ve started this recap in the middle of the plot, that is because the RHOBH editors are really on one tonight, working hard for that Emmy. If you checked the timing, I would bet you Kyle’s gajillion-dollar new house that this episode was being edited during the height of Big Little Lies’ success because this bad boy’s timeline is jumping all over the damn place like someone is about to get murdered. The episode opens up so suddenly at a dinner that I had a quick panic that I had missed recapping an episode. But as scenes start getting sliced together in quick succession — smug Dorit, alarmed Teddi, Erika briefly transforming into Voldemort — I realized what was happening. They were showing us the goods before we got there in an attempt to convince us this season isn’t boring. We’ll see….

So, let’s rewind along with the episode to FIVE DAYS EARLIER when the Ghost of Teddis Past, Ms. Eileen Davidson, meets up with Erika and Lisa Rinna, looking absolutely dynamite. I’m serious — not a denim jumpsuit, TJ Maxx satchel, or lowlight in sight. Just a simple ponytail, elegant black turtleneck-dress, sleek reflective shades, and a look of horror as Erika and Rinna tell her all about how they’re getting along so well with Dorit now. Hey, the editors seem to hiss from somewhere underneath your couch: You ever heard of foreshadowing? Well get a-freakin-hold of this, numbnuts:

Eileen: You guys sound so involved!
Rinna: I know, what the hell’s gonna happen?!
Erika: The other shoe’s going to drop any minute.
Eileen: “It’s going to have to be a big, fat effin’ boot for something to happen.”

Enter: boot. Teddi and Rinna meet up for pedicures, and Rinna — who hasn’t been around much lately, but got back just in the nick of time — starts telling Teddi about how she and Dorit recently had dinner by themselves for the first time ever. Teddi immediately looks uneasy and starts asking a lot of…measured questions. Rinna asks her why she’s feeling so anxious, and Teddi tells her that after they came back from Las Vegas (damn, was that this season?!), she had dinner at Dorit’s house, and when she noted that it seemed like Rinna and Dorit had a good apology in Vegas, PK called Rinna schizophrenic, and Dorit insinuated that she didn’t really believe the apology.

So here’s the thing…this was months ago, yes, but Teddi’s main problem is that she’s trying to look out for Rinna, a woman she likes but is not particularly close to, and keep Dorit accountable for her actions, a woman she definitely doesn’t like and is not particularly close with.

Accountability checks are for family, and close friends, and recovering addicts. They’re not for acquaintances. I love my local grocery store more than many people love their childhood homes, and I light up when I see the fantastic clerks there almost daily, but if I heard one of them talking s— about the deli guy, I wouldn’t tell him because I wanted her to learn a lesson about gossiping. You get in, you get your coconut water (or paycheck signed by Andy Cohen, as it were), and you get the hell out, Teddi! Everyone cannot be a saint, and they’re definitely not paying you to make them saints — or have six-pack abs, or whatever it is that Teddi gets paid for — so stop throwing yourself on the sword for women who would happily stab you with it if you just gave them the chance. (Recap continues on page 2)

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